One woman's perspective of (twin) parenting (and other thoughts about things)
On the (increasingly long and looming) list of Posts I Want To Write, there are many whose time has come and gone. It’s probably good exposure therapy for me to know and accept that some things on that list will never get written (please see my previously-discussed compulsion to write about Everything Exhaustively)…
However, one post I keep circling back to is this one. I don’t think it has a sell by date, but I thought I should probably just crack on and write it all the same. Of course, the reason for its timeless nature is tautologically apparent, thusly:
Me: Ooh I should totally write about this, it’s a really interesting snapshot of early parenthood, and it would be interesting to spend some time processing how I feel about it
Also me (but some days/weeks later): I cannot remember any of my thought processes or emotions regarding that thing. Also, did that even happen? Was that me?
Because, friends, the change cometh thick, and it cometh fast.
But why is this change so tiring? I’m glad you asked. Did you ask? Either way, here’s a *psychology klaxon*…
The brain, marvellous thing that it is, is set up to create what’s known as “schemas”. These are a bit like a computer’s cache - an easily accessible store of information that the computer (our brain) uses when it’s called on to do something it has done before. For example, we all have a schema called “going to the dentist” - a set of expectations and memories that mean we don’t have to reinvent the wheel every time we go for a check up. We know where to park, whether the machine accepts 5p coins, the fact that the reception desk is hidden round the corner, the sound of the drill, the colour of the chair, the bedside manner (or lack thereof) of our dentist… The other purpose a schema serves, therefore, is making it more obvious to us when things are Different (and therefore whether we might be at risk, I guess - goodness, the human brain is amazing). Of course all of this can be a hindrance as well as a help, because if we have a bad experience of something a couple of times, the brain will “helpfully” attach that to the schema and it can take some effort to remove the association.
But for the moment, let’s concentrate on the up sides. The reason computers have cache - and we have schemas - is because it makes computer (brain) processes run more quickly, freeing up all important disk (head) space for More Complicated or Less Frequent Things. It is, essentially, an energy saving process. We see this in our everyday life - we go on autopilot for some things (again, not always good - e.g. driving) to ensure we have enough in the tank for other, more important (or enjoyable) things. A great setup. Great, that is, when your day to day contains a number of things that can be delegated to this autopilot.
However, when there is very little in your life that is the same day to day, the opportunity to enter “energy saving” mode is much reduced.
And this, in my opinion and experience, is (one of the reasons) why parenting is So Goddamn Tiring.
Yes, if you zoom out, every day looks Relentlessly The Same. However, zoomed in, they are all ever so slightly different. This is because until your children can eat, walk, talk and go to the loo by themselves, you are somewhere on the pathway to that Nirvana. And, as all good mathematicians understand, if you are moving along a continuous pathway between two points, you are constantly in a state of change - i.e. nothing is the same from one day to the next. There can be no (useful) schemas, no energy saving mode, no freeing up of headspace.
Just all of the change, all of the time.
Some lovely DINK friends of ours asked me at one point quite early on what exactly it is about parenting that’s so tiring and stressful (with a true desire to understand, I should say, rather than suggesting that it can’t be that bad). They said they understood that sleep deprivation is A Thing (although I’m put in mind of a friend who once said “I thought I knew what it meant to be tired…and then I became a parent”), and that having human dependents is tiring (they realised having a dog wasn’t quite the same thing), but were struggling to really understand the whole thing fully.
I didn’t know what to say at the time, but I think this post probably explains (some of) it.
On that note, I’m off to find some caffeine before the Smols wake up from their (now one a day) nap.
xx
The subtitle for this post, by the way, is brought to you by this little gem (NSFW or little ears - although you can thank me for the ear worm later)…